By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
