i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
