Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
