I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
