We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
