Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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