why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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