something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
