On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
