i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you will always have a special place in my vag
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
