I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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