Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
