we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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