please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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