Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
