I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
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