My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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