I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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