Cold hands, warm shart.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
