stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
