why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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