a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
