I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Pants are for mortals
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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