I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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