I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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