Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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