Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
