I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
