Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
