I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
