Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
