I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
