I will die if light touches me.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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