Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
