Whod you bang
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
They took my balls.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
