Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
