I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
