I want to walk on stilts...naked
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize