Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
