a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
