im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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