Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
