I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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