1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
