I haven't been this sober since birth.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
