...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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