Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
