i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
