You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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