were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
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