i would punch a child for taco bell
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize