i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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