Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
