What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I wish I only lived at night.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
He passed out mid-signature
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
