How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize