i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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