i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
what is it with giant penises always finding me
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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