We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
