I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
And then my night got REAL pukey
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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