I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
