and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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