How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
