How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
