her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
