FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
