mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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